Dear Kindle, I hate you.

Ever just need to rant about something that drives you completely insane? I do. Hence this blog. Here’s the deal… I hate a lot of technological advances (odd thing for a blogger such as myself to admit). The truth is, aside from a couple of things, I believe technology on the whole is responsible for the downfall of our society. I could get into the use of Facebook as a serious form of communication, the practice of emailing thank you letters for gifts, E-Vites, the fact that you can’t sit for two minutes without everyone pulling out their cell phones to text or check the internet… But this is about my most hated item: Kindles, Nooks and anything similar to those wretched things.

Upon seeing the gigantic novels I drag around with me everywhere, I’ve had dozens of people ask me the same question: “Why don’t you dispense with the big books and get a Kindle?” My thoughts are usually along the lines of: “I dunno, why don’t you mind your own business, grow a brain and read a proper book?” However in the interest of keeping friends and keeping from angering family members, I calmly explain my thorough distaste for such contraptions and try to move on. I find those electronics reprehensible, gee why don’t people read anymore? Maybe because they’re busy tooling around on their stupid slim-line, electronic, downloadable, not-proper-book pieces of crap.

The first time I saw one of these stupid things in person, the friend showing it off to me tried to make me understand the wonder that was his Kindle. My only reaction was the sudden and dire urge to hurl it with a brutality hitherto unsuspected in my nature; I just wanted it to go away. Luckily I think the disgust showed on my face and he took it away to show off to someone else. Still shaking with anger and loathing, I hugged my novel (you know, those funny things with covers and lots of pages that smell like libraries) and decided then and there that Kindles, Nooks and I were sworn mortal enemies. The next one to cross my path will receive my full wrath. If you have one that you like, for your own sake, keep it far away from me!

Now let me get to another point greatly bothering me. Barnes and Noble’s terrible new Nook fetish. It seems to me that one can hardly buy books on their website anymore, because everything has that idiotic Nook icon. Why on earth would I buy an overpriced, overgrown calculator looking thing, on top of which I’d have to pay the same price I do for my lovely [tangible] books? You can get applications for it, you can dress it up in lots of little covers, you can download all sorts of things at once… Ah, but does it have that wonderful book smell, or the feel of the pages? Certainly not. So why this sudden obsession with those stupid eReaders? One can only hope they’ll go by way of Furbies, Giga Pets, Yak BAKs and other joke toy items.

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