Finding Nic

In the confusion and turmoil of an imperfect world, we can lose ourselves in a lot of things. In work, in school, in relationships… Sometimes those things begin to take any ounce of creativity or uniqueness out of you and you become one of the masses. Other times, you just hide, so no one will notice… Commonplace, nondescript, average.

I’ve always had a fear of being too much like everyone else, yet I never enjoyed standing out too much, I never really fit in perfectly and although I have many dear friends who make me feel loved, I’m still a square peg in a world of round pegs. Hmm, how to overcome the dilemma? Forget what people think of you, “Be yourself, after all, there’s only one you” (from one of my favorite childhood books, Babar).

I realized something, I may not fit in with everyone else I know, but that doesn’t make me less. I may look different, but it’s my heart and my soul that truly define me. My ‘packaging’ may not be exactly how I would wish it, but I’m me, and that’s enough. While looking for a reason why I am the way I am, I found myself to be someone I didn’t expect. I’m a Rockabilly, born in the wrong decade, but living with a look and a set of rules that I still value highly. Always be a lady; don’t settle for anything less than a gentleman; listen to the music you like, not the modern day garbage; you don’t have to dress “sexy” to be alluring and never travel without sufficient amounts of: black eyeliner, red lipstick and bobby pins.

So go on, be yourself, be fabulous and don’t let yourself get caught up trying to fit in.

A Tale of Two Cities

Yes, it's terrible, but I really think Dickens himself, with his sharp sense of humor would appreciate this t-shirt.


Finished February 25, 2010

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way. . ."

I wonder if when Charles Dickens penned those immortal words he knew what an impact his novel would have on millions throughout the years… I’ll never understand why people dislike this splendid novel. It baffles me. I suppose maybe it’s that old “I-have-to-read-this-for-school-therefore-it-must-suck” syndrome… The first time I read this was in junior high, I’ve read it a couple of times since then (always of my own will) I think this may have been one of the novels that secured my passion for history (not that this is an historical document by any means) simply that Dickens showed that the things we read about in history text books were far more than a present day historian’s analysis… Maybe things didn’t happen this way with the diabolical Defarges, poor Dr. Manette, and the heroic Sydney Carton, but it still takes you out of that little box that boring textbooks tend to put you in. It personifies events like the French Revolution and gives one room to imagine the enormous impact it had on the world.

If you read it before and disliked it, try it again, maybe you’ll see the soul of this story, unlike when it was assigned for literature in high school. Although thoroughly Dickensian in its main content, it certainly doesn’t end like most of his stories do, but it’s a thoroughly beautiful novel.

*See if you can get through the scene when Sydney whispers “A life you love…” without crying, I never have.*

The Old Curiosity Shop

Finished February 18, 2010

This one always takes a lot out of me to read, I suppose because of how much hardship goes on throughout the story. It’s a novel of strong imagery without being too flowery and it contains one of Dickens’ most terrifying villains (Daniel Quilp). To do it justice, I’ll merely include Dickens’ own words.

“The town was glad with morning light; places that had shown ugly and distrustful all night long, now wore a smile; and sparkling sunbeams dancing on chamber windows, and twinkling through blind and curtain before sleepers’ eyes, shed light even into dreams, and chased away the shadows of the night.”

“It’s like a book to me,” he said- the only book I ever learned to read; and many an old story it tells me. It’s music, for I should know its voice among a thousand, and there are other voices in its roar. It has its pictures too. You don’t know how many strange faces and different scenes I trace in the red-hot coals. It’s my memory, that fire, and shows me all my life.”

“But as they drew nearer the ruined walls, the moon rose in all her gentle glory, and, from their venerable age, garlanded with ivy, moss, and waving grass, the chid looked back upon the sleeping town,deep in the valley’s shade: and on the far-off river with its winding track of light: and on the distant hills; and as she did so, she clasped the hand she held, less firmly, and bursting into tears, fell upon the old man’s neck.”

S.A.D.

It's Singles Awareness Day. Yes I'm aware it's a bit counter-cultural but I refuse to celebrate the more well-known holiday which falls on February 14th. Even when I wasn't single I refused to celebrate the wretched holiday... So there we go. A few things which I consider noteworthy happened today:

1. I had a S.A.D. party which turned out sorta... well, sad
2. Pastor Bob, Pastor Rob, Jeremy, Chris, Brandon, Kellen & Steve played a perfectly amazing cover version of the Turtles' "Happy Together" for their S.O.s at church today
3. My brother bought me a bouquet of flowers which is the highlight of my year thus far





In honor of the end of this holiday, I leave you with the lyrics to a song that sums up my entire love life:

Love you didn't do right by me
You planned a romance that just hadn't a chance and I'm through
Love you didn't do right by me
I'm back on the shelf and I'm blaming myself but it's you

My one love affair didn't get anywhere from the start
To send me a Joe who had winter and snow in his heart wasn't smart.
Love You didn't do right by me
As they say in the song...you done me wrong

My one love affair didn't get anywhere from the start
To send me a Joe who had winter and snow in his heart wasn't smart.
Oh Love You didn't do right by me

As they say in the song...you done me wrong
Yes Mr. Love, you done me wrong


Nothin' says "love" like a little Hyde.
xoxox

A Thousand Words

My photographs each hold facets of myself in them. Whether they’re simply nature shots, sports photography or photojournalism… everything I shoot has something about it that just makes sense to me. My work ranges from moody to whimsical, but it’s mostly contemplative. Here are a few of my early scenery shots I just found in some old files on my computer…

1. A shot of the French Quarter, LA

2. Standing under Huntington Beach Pier, CA

3. Pumpkins and gourds. Fall in Oak Glen, CA

4. Sunset in Cambria, CA

5. A freezing day at the Grand Canyon, AZ

Hard Times – For These Times

Finished February 8, 2010

Coketown. A fictitious manufacturing town given its life and breath in Dickens’ 10th novel. Everything about this story screams of the injustice and bitterness which pervaded Victorian England. Partly a social commentary, partly a personal history, partly allegorical… Dickens showed what comes of society when all people care about are “facts, facts, facts”: moral decline, loss of love and hope, and the corruption of people’s souls.

How interesting that the industrial Coketown not only turns out too much smoke and not enough compassion, it also serves as the setting where the no-nonsense Mr. Gradgrind “manufactures” Louisa and Tom (among other children). The former becomes a beautiful but emotionally repressed woman and the latter a “whelp” who cares only for himself. Despite the fact that there are a great many characters worth noting, Louisa and Tom always make the greatest impression on me. One of Dickens’ early descriptions of Louisa seems to encompass a great deal of my personality especially in one respect: her devotedness to her brother.

Dickens viciously attacks the industries that caused so much misery to millions of people (including himself), but out of this violent passion, comes a simply brilliant piece of literature. Many readers consider Hard Times the uncharacteristic “black sheep” of his major novels, because it was mainly written to raise sales of the “Household Words” periodical… However, don’t judge the book by those feeble arguments, look close and behold the sharp wit of a true master.

Oliver Twist

Charles Dickens' mug, on a..... mug. I MUST own one of these.

Finished February 3, 2010

This novel never ceases to affect me deeply. I think in order to get a firm grasp on the gravity of this story; one should certainly read John Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress, seeing as it bears a few similarities (and its name The Parish Boy’s Progress alludes to Bunyan’s own novel). True to it’s predecessor (Pilgrim’s Progress), it’s a story that really highlights mere religion versus the true love of God. The quote from Nancy when she meets with Rose towards the end is heartbreakingly true: “Why ar’n’t those who claim to be God’s own folks as gentle and as kind to us poor wretches as you…?” Dickens poses a simple question that rings as true today as it did in his day, why can’t Christians (myself included) show the love God would have us show to everyone? I wish I knew.

In Fagin’s final scene I am always brought to tears reading Oliver’s sincere plea to allow him to lead the criminal into a prayer. This young character also shows what Dickens deemed to be a true quality of a Christian, one who not only forgives those who’ve done them wrong, but who wants to share God’s love with them in life’s bleakest moments. Far from being a story full of sunshine and laughs (though there are some very humorous parts), Dickens second novel is dramatic and sometimes gruesome, but fascinating nonetheless.

David Copperfield (The Novel)

Finished January 26, 2010. Goofing off to take a picture in between reading.


First thing’s first, a rant. I wanted to attach an illustration (one of the original drawings by Hablot K. Browne a.k.a. “Phiz”) to this blog so I type ‘David Copperfield’ into an image search engine. What do I find? Nothing but pictures of some dark haired man with a cape… Turns out this "David Copperfield" is a modern day magician. -For simplicity’s sake, I’ll refer to him as David Kotkin, his birth name.

Here I perhaps show my naïveté, but I’ll admit until this day I’d never heard of him (Kotkin) however; I find he’s praised as this century’s preeminent magician. How is he so well known and yet this masterful novel is nowhere to be found?! I even found the trivia question: “Did you know David Copperfield took his name from a novel?” What’s happening to the world? Okay… I know it’s probably silly and trivial but I adore David Copperfield and am properly shocked.

As I had mentioned in an earlier blog, Mr. Peggoty and Ham are by far two of my favorite characters. They each embody all that is noble and faithful in men, both as fathers and lovers. Mr. (Daniel) Peggoty is a man who is wholeheartedly devoted to his family, no matter how quirky or troublesome they turn out (quite like my own dad). And then there’s Ham, sweet Ham Peggoty. His love of Little Em’ly and every person he comes across is splendid. Okay, so I’ve never ever met a man anywhere near this great literary character but he is one who epitomizes my perfect dream man. If you want to know my type, you can find him in this superb novel. There’s not much else I can say other than to leave you with one of my favorite quotes, by Ham of course.

“I loved her- and I love the mem’ry of her- too deep- to be able to lead her to believe of my own self as I’m a happy man. I could only be happy- by forgetting of her- and I’m afeerd I couldn’t hardly bear as she should be told I done that. But if you, being so full of learning, Mas’r Davy, could think of anything to say as might bring her to believe I wasn’t greatly hurt; still loving of her, and mourning for her- anything as might bring her to believe as I was not tired of my life, and yet was hoping fur to see her without blame where the wicked cease from troubling and the weary are at rest- anything as would ease her sorrowful mind, and yet not make her think as I could ever marry, or as ‘twas possible that any one could ever be to me what she was- I should ask of you to say that- with my prayers for her- that was so dear.”

The Pickwick Papers

I remember reading this novel when I was quite young; in fact I was still in elementary school. One of my great eccentricities growing up is the fact that I read books that were considered much too difficult for a kid my age. My reading level baffled teachers growing up (don’t get me wrong, I don’t profess to be anything near a genius, where I excel in literature and vocabulary, I make up for by being a perfect idiot at math).

But I digress. I finished this book on January 18, 2010 and I think it affected me just as much as it did the first time I read it, perhaps even more so in some points. Now I understand something in a different light, after having lived in the world and experienced heartbreak… the entire Bardell vs. Pickwick case strikes me as a tragically comedic piece. Evidence of Dickens’ genius is his ability to make a potentially serious scene like a breach of promise case a rather humorous glimpse into human nature. What I had never noticed before was the fact that it all sprung from a misunderstanding between an average, lonely woman and the somewhat naïve Pickwick. How easily we women can bestow our affections on men when we think they’re giving us even the slightest attention, and how bitter is the embarrassment and anger that follows these mistakes! At any rate, Mr. Pickwick in true Pickwickian form learns from this entire ordeal and emerges a wiser [if not slightly jaded] man.

Dickens’ signature specialties: strong characters, outlandish circumstances and happy endings abound in this novel. Read it.

Oh, Charles!

I've only mentioned this goal to a few people, perhaps it has to do with my very real fear that I won't actually have enough time to complete this endeavor by December 31, 2010... Here it is: [Re]read all of Charles Dickens' major works in one year.

Doesn't sound too difficult right? He is, afterall, one of my favorite authors! But my problem seems to be my style of reading, I immerse myself in the story so if I can only read about a page at one time, I won't do it. I'd rather sit down and read 100 pages, get a good amount of the story and just revel in it. Dickens paints such pictures, and weaves such remarkable tales that I often pore over certain passages over and over, relishing the imagery he describes. I'll flip back to any part that contains characters I love (i.e. The Pickwick Papers anything with Sam Weller, Bleak House Esther's narratives, David Copperfield Mr. Peggoty and Ham's recurring sections, Great Expectations the mad Miss Havisham etc...) I can't help it, I've always read that way. Unfortunately, this isn't the best habit when you have a timeline you wish to keep. At any rate, it's my intention to try my hardest to complete this goal.

A Look At Myself

I’m a woman.
Made up of both light and dark.
Not beautiful, or even pretty, I’m just me.
An artistic soul,
And a collector of memories, quotes and eras.
A lover of times past, decades I never lived through.
Poetic and literal.
Purveyor of a love that has often been taken for granted.
A dreamer, with a touch of cynicism which shouldn’t be mine to bear.
A painter, a dancer and a reader of novels.
Like sea glass, tossed on the shore, made softer through circumstances.
Never comfortable in large crowds,
Always alone.
Once in love, I bloomed, only to be tossed aside.
Now solitude is my favorite companion.
Often misunderstood, but when looked at without prejudice; perfectly understood.
A kaleidoscopic being, with a million facets,
And so many things I’ve yet to discover about myself.

Operation: Baking GALS

Operation Baking GALS is a way to thank just a few men and women who are currently serving in a war zone. In this country, we are more indebted to our military than we’ll ever know. The sleepless nights, months away from loved ones, and trauma they face are unimaginable, yet we can so flippantly dismiss their incredible sacrifices…... Once in a while a group of people who understand and value our military come along and they work hard to make it known: there are still people in this country who appreciate them and admire them. The Baking GALS are one of those groups. Sign up, bake, ship your baked goods and bless a military man or woman… You can even donate directly from the site, check them out at: http://www.bakinggals.com/ and remember to pray for our military men and women.


"The Nation which forgets its defenders will itself be forgotten." - President Calvin Coolidge

I think... therefore I love baseball

“The play reaffirms what I already know – that baseball is the most perfect of games, solid, true, pure and precious as diamonds. If only life were so simple. I have often thought. If only there was a framework to life, rules to live by.” W.P. Kinsella is one of those people who really, truly understands the artful, beautiful game of baseball. Why do I love it so much? It’s hard to explain, it’s just so American, so full of wonder… the crack of the bat, the thump of a baseball in the catcher’s mitt, the cheers of the crowd, the smell of roasted peanuts permeating the ballpark…

There are a few things you should know about me, first, I was born into a baseball loving family, and the team I was brought up loving is so deeply ingrained it may as well be written in my DNA like my eye color. It’s just who I am. I am a total and complete Dodger girl. Yes, I love “my Dodgers” and I’m a proud even defiant fan.

All of my friends are Angels fans. A guy I used to date even referred to me as “devil woman” because we simply didn’t see eye to eye when it came to baseball. I’ve tried to like the Angels like all of my other [delusional] friends. I mean, they’re in the AL, my boys are in the NL, maybe they could be my AL team? Heck no. I hate them. Why do Angels fans think they’re the only ones with a legitimate claim to loving their team? I've been to Angels games, but I couldn’t help being annoyed by the presence of the Angels and their fans, so I’d root for the other team (see what I mean? Defiant.). Sure I love the game, but there’s something so different about being in Angels stadium and the genuine excitement I feel being at Dodgers’ stadium.

The excitement that rises in my heart as I cross the parking lot getting closer to the beautiful old stadium, the smell of Dodger dogs, the sea of blue that seems to move together like a wonderful choreographed dance, and even to those who hate the team have to admit, the sound of Vin Scully’s voice is perfect. I remember on Saturdays when the Dodgers games were on TV, dad would sit with my brother and me and we would watch the boys in blue do their thing, cheering at victories and cursing the other team in our defeats. I wish I could go to more Dodgers games, I’ve been to so many Angels games… ::sigh:: thus is the curse of a Dodgers girl living in Orange County.